I, Kushina
by ncfan
Summary: Kushina had a secret, that in the end, only became the knowledge of the one she trusted most. Minato x Kushina, spoilers for Chapter 499.


Spoilers abound in this oneshot and in this author's note, just to warn you. Okay, Kishimoto keeps throwing out bizarre twists right and left, the latest one being that Kushina was the Kyuubi's last jinchūriki host. Now, I'm not sure how that works with canon, with Naruto being born the night the Kyuubi attacked Konohagakure. Since a host is supposed to die if the biju is removed, how did Kushina survive having the Kyuubi extracted from her, presumably before Naruto's birth? Anyway, this is AU from 498, but relatively in-canon with 499, the main AU factor being the continued presence of Uzumaki Arashi in my oneshots; I'm sorry, I like him too much to get rid of him. I think I've already made my feelings about the way Minato and Kushina's relationship developed, as shown in 498, pretty clear, both in my previous oneshot _Sixteen Years_ and in my profile. If you don't like it, then please don't read it. I just happen to think that the whole "red strand of fate" thing is incredibly corny, and excruciatingly unimaginative.

Anyway, I hope you guys like this. It's not the best work I've ever done, but I just wanted to get my feelings out and into the text.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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The beast had attacked Namigakure on the eve of I and my brother's birth. It had been a mere accident of fate that I, had been born the eldest, instead of my brother Arashi. It had been I who had been chosen to house the Kyuubi no Kitsune once my father managed to subjugate the monster and prevent it from wreaking any more havoc than it already had.

The four short years I spent in Namigakure were…the happiest of my life, I think. I was not treated the way most jinchūriki were, with scorn, hatred and fear. Nami was not like most Hidden Villages; Nami valued its peace, valued its children, and I was the Uzukage's eldest child, his beloved daughter. That they didn't know that I was a host helped.

Father never kept it secret from me, what had been put inside of me. I had the strange nightmares, the even more frightening yearnings and the sensations of a screaming voice deep within my mind, and he knew that it was useless to keep such a secret from me.

He told me never to tell anyone, for only he and my mother knew; even Arashi didn't know. Father gave me heartening words that I soaked in like water into a sponge, because I loved him and trusted him, and he had never lied to me, in any matter.

"_You're still my hot-blooded little girl," Tanjiro told her fondly, ruffling his little daughter's hair. "The Kyuubi is just something that's inside of you."_

"_But I don't want it inside of me!" Kushina squealed, feeling the beginnings of hot tears in her eyes. "I just…I just want to be like Arashi. I want to be normal. I'm scared. It scares me."_

_Tanjiro paused at that, his violet eyes, much like his daughter's, softening. She was just a child, a very young one at that. He looked away, eyes narrowing against the sun, the seagulls gathering around them on the beach; they were alone. "Sweetheart…if I could have stopped the Kyuubi from attacking this village I would have, but I couldn't. And I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this to you."_

"_Then why didn't you just pick another child?" Kushina demanded angrily. "Me and Arashi weren't the only kids born that day, were we?"_

"_No, you weren't. But listen to me, Kushina. As miserable as this beast may make you, it also makes you strong; when you grow, you will be the strongest shinobi in this village."_

_Kushina stared at him, white-lipped and, for once in her life, silent, as her father spoke to her, his voice especially quiet, his face downcast with an emotion Kushina didn't recognize at the time but, in later years, would realize was shame. "You will be the protector of this village. You are strong, Kushina, and it is the duty of the strong to protect those who are weak, and those who are not as strong as you."_

"_Like you, Tousan?"_

"_Yes, like me." Tanjiro smiled. "Who knows. You might be the Yondaime Uzukage when you grow up. Anyway, Kushina, remember your brother too."_

"_Arashi?" Kushina's twin brother was her own size, slightly bigger than her, in fact. He ran more quickly, often won their playful tussles. "What about Arashi?"_

"_Kushina, your brother's younger than you. It has always been the duty of the older sibling to protect the younger, and with your gift, you will always be able to protect Arashi, I hope._

"_But what you must understand, above everything else, is that you must never tell anyone."_

"_Why not?" Kushina asked innocently, not understanding at the time the significance of the question._

_Tanjiro's face became especially grim. "Because there are those who will see you only as what is lodged inside of you, those who will choose to do you wrong, and treat you as a weapon. Those who will never realize that you are human, too."  
_

I lost the only people who knew my secret too soon, far too soon, and even with my brother, I was alone in the world.

I had seen the way Suna treated their hosts, the way Iwa treated their hosts and the way Kumo did as well. I never told anyone that I was a jinchūriki. I was terrified, isolated, and I locked out the one person who might have understood. My brother was kept in the dark, and never understood why I behaved the way I did, why I was so insecure and so guarded, so mouthy and so moody.

Even with no one ever knowing, I wasn't the most popular little girl in Konoha. I didn't exactly have what most would call a winning personality during my childhood years, and the fact that I started out my life in Konoha as an illegal alien from a destroyed village didn't help. I kept telling myself that if this was the way they treated me without knowing about the Kyuubi, how would they react if they knew?

I told no one. No one.

As the years passed, I devoted myself to become stronger, as strong as my father had wished for me to be. And I vowed, time and again, that I'd live up to his wishes and always protect my brother. No matter what would happen, I always wanted Arashi to be safe.

But in the end, I couldn't even do that.

Arashi…Arashi…He died, when we were seventeen. I couldn't stop it from happening. I wasn't even _there_. I couldn't keep him safe, and he died because of it.

I had failed him. I had this thing inside of me, and I couldn't even do one thing with all that power, all that strength. It was all for nothing, and I had nothing to show for all of the training I had done, everything I had had to put up with from the Kyuubi.

A year passed, and I still didn't tell anyone. I was so afraid of how anyone who found out would react, but eventually I couldn't hide it anymore, and the one who found out was the one whose friendship I was most terrified of losing.

I shouldn't have worried.

_The last thing Kushina remembered, there had been a film of noxious chakra coating her eyes. Then, her will had finally given way to the dark purpose of the Kyuubi, and after that, there had been nothing but deep, deep darkness._

_She barely knew why she had lost control. Everything had been spiraling, so much, and it had become too much. Those Kumo nin would never know what had hit them._

_Now, Kushina was starting to wake up again, brilliant pinwheels of light sparkling all around, stars exploding beneath her eyelids. Everything hurt, every inch of her skin felt like it was on fire, and her bones screamed their silent voices raw and hoarse, until they were rendered mute and unnoticeable._

"_Kushina?" There was a distant voice, and even through the agonizing cloud cast over her mind, the sharp edge of panic and worry came across very clear. "Kushina, wake up, please wake up."_

_With a heavy groan and immense effort, Kushina raised the lids of her heavy eyes. "Minato?" she whispered hoarsely, feeling a dark root of fear adhere to her heart._

_He knew now. Kushina had revealed the true nature behind her massive chakra reserves in a way Minato couldn't possibly ignore, a way no one could ignore. Subconsciously, Kushina felt her thin body start to pull away from him. _

_Minato seemed to have positioned her so she was lying against a gnarled tree trunk. Her ANBU mask was gone, possibly shattered or burned off; her uniform was badly scorched, and her body was riddled with chakra burns. _

_Yeah. There was no way he couldn't know now._

"_What…happened?" Kushina had no memory beyond losing control to the Kyuubi; everything else wasn't a blur. Everything else was a blank._

_Minato leaned over her, his blue eyes shadowed with worry. "You…transformed. Those Kumo nin are all dead, Kushina," he told her gently. "I don't think we'll have to worry about them anymore." The young man gestured to her badly burned body. "We'll have to wait until morning for help to come; I'm sorry, there's not anything I can do about your injuries."_

_Kushina bit her lip and nodded, then tucked her chin into her neck, avoiding Minato's eyes. She wasn't used to being so self-conscious, but now, she was anything but confident._

"_Kushina…" Minato's voice had an odd catch to it, nearly unnoticeable in the darkness but Kushina caught it, and flinched. "Did you know…Did you know that you had a bijū sealed inside of you?"_

_He was being far calmer, far more mild, than Kushina had expected, but she didn't feel any more secure than she had a moment ago. She was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, personally. "Yes," she whispered back, not understanding why her voice broke on the single syllable. "The Kyuubi no Kitsune."_

"_Who else knows?" The question was strangely urgent._

"_No one." Kushina shook her head. "I've told…no one."_

"_Why not?" Minato asked, quiet and oddly humbled. _

_Her shoulders trembled slightly. "I've…seen the way other villages treat their hosts. I hate war, Minato. I don't want to be treated like that." Kushina was horrified to feel saline wetness slide down her burnt cheeks; she hadn't cried like that in years. Why was she crying now?_

"_Not even your brother knew?"_

_That was the worst part. Her breathing grew quicker. Kushina forced herself to meet his eyes, and saw, to her amazement, no trace of revulsion there. "You know," she murmured shakily, "my father told me not to tell him. No, Arashi never knew. He wasn't supposed to. My father…my father told me, that part of the reason he'd sealed the Kyuubi inside of me was for me to be my brother's keeper. And the worst part, Minato? I couldn't even do that."_

_A quiet moment passed, a moment in which Kushina still found herself expecting the worst. The reaction a normal shinobi had to a jinchūriki was never good, and Kushina wasn't sure what to expect out of Minato._

_Finally, Minato started to speak again. His voice was still dreadfully quiet. "Why didn't you tell me?"_

_Kushina's head shot up, causing a sharp flash of excruciating light behind her eyes. "What?" Her face was still coated in tears, and they were making her vision blur, even as her eyes burned and stung._

_Minato's face was, of all things, sympathetic. "Why didn't you just tell me? I would have understood."_

_For the first time, Kushina felt angry instead of ashamed or afraid. "And how was I supposed to know that? How was I supposed to know that you wouldn't react the same way every shinobi ever has to any host? How do you suppose I could believe that I could just—"_

_Minato cut her off. He leaned over, fingers wound in her hair, and gently kissed the top of her head. "Okay, okay. My point stands, Kushina. You could have told me."_

_Beneath the burns, her face was coloring, she knew it was. "Sorry," Kushina muttered, looking away. Chagrin overcame her fear. At the same time, relief washed over her. He wasn't looking at her any differently, wasn't treating her any differently._

"_No." Minato settled beside her, back against the tree, weary and exhausted. "It's alright. There's hardly anyone who treats a host decently these days." He looked over and smiled at her. "I hope you can trust me, though, now that I know."_

"_More than anyone."_

Minato was the only one who ever knew. He didn't tell anyone who and what I was once we got back to the village.

I wasn't alone in my secret anymore. I didn't have to carry the knowledge, heavy on my chest with no one to catch me when I fell and pull me back to my feet again, alone anymore. Minato wasn't content to let me shoulder every hurt in secret. He was just that sort of man.

Minato was the only one who never gave me any reason to regret trusting him.

The night I realized that I did love him, _really_ loved him was when Minato realized who I was, and accepted it the way man accepted the morning.


End file.
